I have been feeling very depressed, lonely, worthless, a failure to name a few. I saw that by each day I kept turning more and more into a monster. I shut everyone out. I felt like I had no one to talk to. I felt that any information I provided was not accepted. Our finances, my relationships, the house, and my health, were beyond orderly, I had an I DON’T CARE ATTITUDE! I just felt WORTHLESS. I knew I had a purpose. I had tools; I just DIDN’T find time. I kept blaming my abusive childhood on the reason why I am who I am. I didn’t know better, yes I did, I got these tools about a year ago. I did change some ways and remarkably it WORKED. I didn’t use them correctly, but I was getting my way, and felt that was a success. Then life just crumpled all around me. My husband and I were fighting more than ever, I didn’t want to be around my family, I dreaded waking up. Since my husband has been gone, to work in the oil industry in ND, it hasn’t been easy, but it has been nice to become independent again.
My cousin, Ellysse posted a status on Facebook, “There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. J.K Rowling.” Wow I so needed to read that. Ellysse is like my sister, and once we reunited a year or two ago, it was so nice to talk about our childhood. It was nice to talk to someone that knew the pain. But it was also a sad moment that I have lost 98% of my good childhood memories. I was never thought about emotions, if you ask me my feelings it is either frustrated, angry or I was happy, hardly am I ever happy. When I am happy it is of course when I got my way. Now I know why my relationships are strained, I have focused on what I want changed (negative) versus focusing on being positive. A very good example is my handsome husband; I have put that man through a ringer and then some. Our biggest arguments are he doesn’t talk, excuses, and NEVER putting things away. I have nagged and nagged and nagged him, but do you think I have gotten anywhere, of course not. I CAN’T MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING!
I believe parenting and marriage go hand in hand. It is amazing that my 2 year olds know when I am being a monster. We need to give our kids more credit, and look at ourselves first. They let me know by lashing out, in turn I thought it was them that needed to change. I was considered the troubled teen (by family and professionals), but I acted the way I did because I didn’t feel safe, and didn’t feel loved. If I can’t treat my husband with respect how on earth can I treat my children with respect? I need to learn how to love, and show people that they are loved.
Life is complex, I have been to the darkest side and now my journey is to live the most wonderful life I could ever imagine. I am not at my darkest, but I am probably at dusk. My husband and I have dreams, that we want to fulfill and in order to do that things have to change 360 degrees. I want to be that person that can walk up to a “troubled” child, and let them know there are choices in life. They are the only one that can make those choices; they are the only ones in control of their life.
I welcome you on my journey, and hope I can teach/help you along what goals you have in your life.
